I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
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The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.