That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
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interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I hope Alan is OK
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Money is the root of all wealth
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over