One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset