HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
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Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes