Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
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KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I just ran a .003048K
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Some people were born into their job.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
anyone else like Italian cereal