the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?