God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
You Might Also Like
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
this will hang in the louvre one day
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Seek kebab; not attention
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?