I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
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[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“and how does that make you feel?”
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.