Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
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Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
(yawn)
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.