“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
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Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”