[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
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An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Doctors texting each other.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t