Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
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[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.