Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
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Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead