before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Coffee is ready.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*