so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
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If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.