6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
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Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda