Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
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Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Who’s your best friend?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize