*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
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There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I’m tired tomorrow.