All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
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Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Möther may I have a snäck
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Somebody call the cops.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828