My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
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My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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•
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“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said