Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
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me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
me and the Superbowl rn
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
The 4 stages of a family vacation
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep