Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
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Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
remember
only for emergencies
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Legend 🤣🤣
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.