Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
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Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Me recordaron éste meme
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.