I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
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One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
first you must answer his riddles
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list