[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
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My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.