Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
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You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
my first day as a raccoon
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas