Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
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Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.