DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
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don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
synchronized noseblowing
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
White Castle for the Win
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”