Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
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“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.