me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
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we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying