I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
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Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”