I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
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Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I would move hell over six inches for you
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active