No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
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Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
#catsoftwitter
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Why soy sad?
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.