Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
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I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Friends that check up on you >
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong