My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
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“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam