Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
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Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
How to wake up a Beagle
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
so weird how every mom was born today
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now