Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
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These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!