[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
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For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I am all good here, 😂😉
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
#milo
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.