I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
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He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Oh yeah that’s it
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad