I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
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saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
nice challenge
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Ha
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.