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It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.