Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
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Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Become ungovernable.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
it must be school picture day
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
another case of gang violins
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.