me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
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All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
How I’d get arrested…
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I’ve had worse
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”