alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
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dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
How did we not see this back then?
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..