A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
You Might Also Like
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Jail
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”