time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
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pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
These aliens are taking forever.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.