[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
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Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Super Hand Dog Face
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.