(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
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COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
#merica
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine