Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
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H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.