I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
You Might Also Like
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Geez man, take it easy.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby